My dad's wife (this is literally how I refer to her in real life. Her name is Michelle, but that is also the name of my younger sister so that's a no go. Plus I don't like my dad's wife very much, as this post will demonstrate, so not going to bother with trying to come up with an alternative) is just the worst.
THE. WORST.
Like, I just can't stand her.
(If this moment from Singing in the Rain doesn't come to mind we just can't be friends. Just kidding, but really though.)
This year's letter was a little bit more interesting, and by interesting I mean I didn't even get past the first page (because of course there are like six fucking pages) but wholly fuck was it hilarious. It has got to be the most passive-aggressive bullshit I have ever read.
Hey lady, you know the saying: run into one asshole they are probably the asshole but if everyone you ran into was being an asshole, maybe it's you? So if a whole bunch of your family, of whom don't know each other and don't talk to each other have collectively decided to give you radio silence could it possibly be because of YOU. Just a thought.
Here is a snippet of the letter:
Now I have other grandchildren too. I try to write all of them (who might care) at the same time, because I am so very, very busy. Not because I wouldn't rather write to each one individually. But you know how we are: We are all so very, very busy. I don't expect anybody to write to me.I should really just type out the whole first page, it's quite delightful. Another time because apparently, I decided to write a whole dissertation:
Here are a few reasons why I don't like her in no particular order:
•Supports Trump. I could just stop right there, huh?
•IS SO FUCKING RACIST. But claims she totes isn't, she literally "doesn't see color" but yet finds a way to bring up race ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Especially Hispanics. This is how she will phrase it: "It's just so interesting how different San Jose is from when I use to live here. (She isn't referring to all the construction or the loss of the orchards from the 60's like a normal old person). Like the restaurant we just went to. You just know they wouldn't hire me there."
(Me in my head: why? because you are so fucking old? because you are a racist piece of shit?) Because as she will tell you multiple times when she used to be a manager at Denny's [and it was all white people-- again, she WILL NOT NAME RACES but you totally get what she is trying to say], it was more inclusive, but now when a restaurant employes all Hispanics, it's now very racist and not inclusive, and all Hispanics are undocumented and here illegally apparently. And have taken all the jobs away from teenagers and [white people]. She legit said that. She also doesn't think it was hard to get a job as a minority back in the day. A restaurant employed all white people because they just happened to be the best qualified. No one was racist, that is a new thing because of the current political climate twisting peoples views. But she won't say "white" or "Hispanic". Just the words "interesting" and "different" and "how it used to be". And let you know if a Mexican restaurant is good enough to eat at because it ISN'T owned or run by a Mexican. Seriously. When I went to visit them they took me to a Mexican restaurant and that was their selling point to me. I had been in the car not ten minutes AND THE TOPIC OF RACE CAME UP. And we get to the restaurant, waiting to be seated, AND THEY WERE STILL TALKING ABOUT IT.
•Pretends to be dumb but is totally trying to manipulate you. But is really bad at it. Like she will say that she isn't very smart but in a way that isn't self-depreciating, or in a way that makes you think that she believes it, but like trying to convince you. It's very strange and hard to explain. I get this feeling that she feels like she is very smart, but wants you to think she is dumb, so is constantly saying "what do I know anyway" or "I'm not very smart" but with this little sly smile thing she does that makes me want to smack her in the face and shout "for someone who doesn't know shit you sure have a lot of shit to say!"
•Cannot shut up about her dumb court issues with her brother. This has been going on the whole time I've known her: six years. Something about their parents and the money and property and I really don't give a shit.
•Cannot shut up about her other dumb court shit because she went to school to become a fiduciary inspired by constantly being in court by her brother. HAVE I MENTIONED HOW OFTEN SHE TALKS ABOUT HER COURT SHIT YET? Oh, talking about it isn't enough? Let's bring out one of her many binders with all the paperwork involving her various court cases! In the coffee shop! At dinner! At lunch! Oh, and did you happen to need a soup ladle, cafeteria-sized? I happen to have one in my purse to give you at a restaurant in the middle of everyone eating their breakfast! Totally not weird at all! Like the world's worst Mary Poppins.
•Her speech pattern is just so ugh. I wish I could describe it but I can't. And she ends everything with her stupid laugh and smile. I think this point might be a bitch eating crackers thing but I don't care.
•Secretly listens in on my phone conversations with my dad. I found out because one time I said something really funny and I heard her accidentally let out a laugh and then tried to stifle it. This was like fifteen minutes into the call and neither of them told me she was on the phone until that moment (Oh, hi Heather, by the way, I'm here too). I never call my dad now. But apparently, I'm so fucking hilarious I outed her spying, ha. Honestly, this is a plus, because I hate phone conversations.
•Every time I see her I learn about a new ex-husband. I think there are like five. At least. You know lady, you can fuck a guy without marrying them first. Somehow I don't think this would make you any worse of a so-called Christian like getting married and divorced a bunch of times.
•Oh yeah, and she is writing a book about her life. Here, let me write it for you: I married every man that could put up with my crazy, moved to bumfuck white-ville, moved back to scary Hispanic ville and dragged my latest new husband to another bumfuck white-ville safe haven and went to court a bunch of times. The End.
•Oh and supposedly one of her ex-husbands is stalking her and trying to kill her which is why she had my dad delete his Facebook, FOR OUR SAFETY, even though I found her secret one. If she is trying to make me feel bad/jealous/hurt for isolating my dad from me, she really doesn't know me at all. Taking all the emotional responsibility for my dad? Thanks, lady! And I mean that in a totally non-sarcastic manner.
•She had my dad buy a house sight unseen, where it snows even though my dad hates being cold and wanted to retire to Palm Springs (this house is like ten hours in the other direction of Palm Springs). And the house had nothing to do with the fact that her parent's house was just five houses away. Nothing. At. All. Just a coincidence! To be fair, it is a cute house.
•When they had their apartment in Sunnyvale, she is such a busy body that she got my dad's brand new car keyed by the neighbors. Sunnyvale is not a rough area at all.
•Found out that my younger sister is named Michelle because of this woman. FOR FUCKS SAKE DAD. She is the younger sister of my dad's best friend from high school. This is the brother that keeps taking her to court.
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I realize that usually when you rant/bad mouth someone it makes you look like the asshole, especially if no one knows the other person, but I hope I've been able to demonstrate at least a little bit why I feel so angsty towards her. Or at least gave you a laugh :)
And it has nothing to do with her being the new woman in my dad's life. My dad and I were never very close before her so not seeing him very much now doesn't bother me. If I think about it, I have actually interacted with him more AFTER the divorce than before. I'm happy that he found someone who does love him, and seems to enjoy his company and he hers, but for the love of god keep me out of it.
Bonus photo: this creepy painting of them in their living room and no PHOTOS OF THEIR CHILDREN OR GRANDCHILDREN:
Yes I know I have a big ass photo of me and my husband in my living room, too. Shh: Bitch. Eating. Crackers. Though one of my other sisters asked me if I saw their creepy painting SO IT'S NOT JUST ME.
Phew. That was a lot of words. Kudos to anyone that bothered with all that.
Phew. That was a lot of words. Kudos to anyone that bothered with all that.
