The Long Con...or the long dick (joke)

This did not start off to be a thing, but somehow it evolved into a thing and it just couldn't be kept from being a thing... So now it's a thing. A big ol' dick thing.

Let me explain. Or at least try.

It was meant to be a one-time joke, but events unfolded, people (my husband) got involved and developed into a year and a half prank type thing. I'm not sure exactly what to call it, except maybe Neil and I have too much time on our hands? No, that can't be it. I mean, most of the planning was done in the car, which we had to be in any way, going to work and home and such, so it's not like I spent extra time on this.

I think I meant we are too awesome. Or we are dicks... let's say a little of column A, a little of column B... I guess really it depends on whom you ask. If you are asking me, it's pretty flipping funny, and Neil and I are geniuses. GENIUSES, I say.

It started with a bag of dicks. Yes, a bag of dicks. Someone started a company (similar to the glitter one but nicer) where you could send someone an anonymous bag of gummy penises with a message "eat a bag of dicks". I just knew I had to send this to someone! But it had to be someone that would get that it was funny, not malicious.

Ding ding ding! My sister! She just moved and sent out postcards with her new address, so what could be more perfect? So many suspects! And I wanted to send her a little housewarming gift anyway.

She receives the anonymous package and posts it on Facebook, thinking it was one of her best friends that sent it. My face lights up. Omg, so perfect she thinks it's from them! Of course, they would send something like that! I'm not the suspect! The day goes by and one by one they deny sending the package. She gets confused and just asks for the real culprit to admit it on Facebook or write her a letter.

I'm enjoying her puzzlement... I want it to last! It's just too good. I decide that I will write a letter... but not right away. I figure I will send her something else penis related for her birthday, four months later, so that way she will find out it was me. Four months is a long time! I mention this to my husband. The conversation evolves to... why not longer? Why not more confusing?

So I don't send her anything penis related for her birthday, instead, the plan is to send something penis related every few months to people in her inner circle. The boyfriend, and the two friends that were the initial suspects. This way, hopefully, they secretly think it is one of them sending the random items. Then I could end it with the dick related birthday item, a year and a half after the first dick gift. Much longer, more confusing.

Except... that plan didn't transpire. That was the initial plan, or rather, the second plan, but then a month after sending the candy, the dicksbymail send me an email that they have a new gag gift. A candle. That smells like apple pie for 40% of the candle then the rest smells like farts.

New plan. Or at least a new plan starts to formulate. Because the second plan was more complicated in trying to figure out other people's addresses anyways (But I did find out how to send items anonymously from Amazon with my research. I haven't tried it out yet, but someday).

I mull over this new item a bit in my head and decide to try to look online to see if anyone has posted any reactions to receiving the bag of dicks. Either I'm not typing in the correct tag words or people are not being very vocal about receiving them because I don't find very much on that. I want to make sure that most people are finding it funny...

Instead, I find some more anonymous dick giving. Yup. There is more than one site that sends dick related gifts anonymously. Who knew? In fact, there is a slew of sites that send awful things. Like glitter bombs, poop, and even pubic crabs. I don't want to send anything mean, this is supposed to be fun. So I stick with the dicks.

I wait a few more weeks and send her the candle with the message "sorry for the dicks, here is an apology candle". Now, this can be funny in two ways. She could be suspicious of the candle and look online and figure out right away that it's a gag candle, or she could actually light the candle and not know its awful until much later. Both are funny to me.

She posts the gift right away on Facebook, and lo and behold my nephew right away blows the "surprise" that it is actually a fart candle. At first, I'm irritated, but then, I'm like, only someone who would send it would know, right? Or at least someone who might know who is sending the items? So I'm thinking he makes himself look like a suspect :) At this point, my sister seems to still find it funny. Good.

THEN. A few months later, I send her a cardboard silhouette of a dick with the message "but I'm not sorry for THIS dick :)" Again, she posts this on Facebook, but seems to really, REALLY want to know who the sender is. She obviously doesn't think it's me because she offers beer as payment.
I meant to send her the fourth gift around Christmas, but I forgot and then when I remembered after New Years, they were sold out. Bummer. Guess it was a popular Christmas gift. So I waited until it was back in stock and sent it late January. With glitter included, cause why not? It was a box of dick themed candy, various suckers and the like.

On this gift, I decided to put a "clue" to my identity, but Neil says I am the worst clue giver and no way was this a real clue. I spelled her name wrong because this use to be a pet peeve of hers growing up, and who else would do that now except an annoying little sister?

Dick Giving Calendar

April 2015: penis gummies
June 2015: fart candle
September 2015: cardboard dick

January 2016: box of candy dicks

And then I kinda lost interest and forgot that I was in the middle of a prank.

I really meant to fess up right away. Truly. I wanted to because I suck at keeping secrets, but it just got away from me and turned into the Great Penis Mystery of 2015-2016. That happens, right? That's a thing? A big ol' dick thing. Okay, I'll stop now.

Anyways, I just now fessed up to her in May 2019, a total of FOUR YEARS later. She just thought it was funny and couldn't remember what she did with the cardboard dick, maybe it was in the garage, so I think it was more of a giggle for me than it was for her, ha.